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Это перевод, все благодарности направляйте автору оригинала.
This is a translation, all thanks go to the original author.
Probably, an Earth, a helluva time ago.
MYSTERIOUS ALIEN goes for a walk and finds out that Riddley Scott is going to film prequel of "Alien"
MYSTERIOUS ALIEN: Lost my bet.
(eats black yogurt and jumps to the waterfall)
Scotland, present time.
NOOMI RAPACE pokes into rocks, finds some bullshit and runs to LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN.
NOOMI: This is the greatest discovery in history! Look! These inscriptions hundred million years!
LOGAN: It says "Elvis ain't dead"...
NOOMI: This will change everything we know of the Universe!
LOGAN: ...and there is "Rap is crap" also.
NOOMI: Message from the alien civilizations! This is an invitation! Let's immediately fly there!
LOGAN: OK.
After more than two years. The "Prometheus" ship.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER walks around the ship, invents the solo cycle-ball, learns the theory of proto-language of Schleicher and watches "Lawrence of Arabia." Because there is no better way to kill the damn time, rather than revise the "Lawrence of Arabia." Oh, and you can pry into other people's dreams.
FASSBENDER: Well, CHARLIZE THERON in her dream sends Thor to kill Bella Swan, and a NOOMI RAPACE dreams about some boring crap about faith and the problems with her father.
(watches NOOMI's dream with a BLURRED PATRICK WILSON)
AUDIENCE: OK.
A short time later. The "Prometheus" ship
MICHAEL FASSBENDER sees CHARLIZE THERON doing push-ups.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER: Oookay.
The crew wakes up and the AUDIENCE sees recreated scene of the revival from the first "Alien". ONE AND HALF GEEKS IN THE HALL are happy, but notice that in the "Alien" almost the entire crew was smoking like a chimney, but this time it's only IDRIS ELBA. The rest of the crew are drinking some muddy grass vegan cocktails.
THERON: I'm in charge here, by the way.
LOGAN: Why?
THERON: Well, let's see, the audience is seeing you for the first time, and some confuse you with TOM HARDY, NOOMI only played in a Swedish crime movie with a long title and the second "Sherlock Holmes." I'm the only one with "Oscar" here. Go to hell.
LOGAN: OK.
THERON: It's time for the briefing, as we loaded 17 people aboard, and none of them were told why and where we're going.
SEAN HARRIS: I was just kidnapped on my way to Subway for sandwich.
RAFE SPALL: The last thing I remember — I was flying on a flight from Sydney to Los Angeles in first class with Leonardo DiCaprio.
THERON: I have a message for you from the GUY PEARCE IN TERRIBLE MAKEUP.
GUY PEARCE IN TERRIBLE MAKEUP: The platitude! The platitude the platitude! The platitude, the platitude the platitude. The platitude!
LOGAN: Excellent speech. And now let’s get to the point — ten different cultures drawn on different inscriptions figures 4 8 15 16 23 42, so we Googled them and now we are flying over the coordinates that we were given.
SEAN HARRIS: I have a bad feeling.
THERON: By the way, here's what I would like to add. If we find alien life form — do not attempt to make a contact. If we find any artifacts — do not attempt to touch them. If stranger approaches you and offers you a candy — do not talk to him. Do not run with scissors, do not put your fingers in the socket and do not eat ice cream on the street. In fact, it makes sense to turn the ship around and fly back.
A short time later. The "Prometheus" ship
IDRIS ELBA: We're landing, I need data!
KATE DICKIE: The planet is almost entirely composed of plotadvancementium, with rare occurrences of mcguffinium.
IDRIS ELBA: Where do we land?
LOGAN: Of course, right in the Valley of Holy Three-D. The audience must know why they paid half as much for the ticket.
The ship lands.
LOGAN: And now briskly get into the space suits and start acting like a dumbbell! The hell with the analysis, preparing and planning! Let’s race one another to the those suspicious domes!
Everybody gets into the vehicles. ONE AND A HALF GEEKS IN THE HALL notice that vehicles resemble those in the "Alien" and rejoice.
LOGAN: How do we navigate these hospitable tunnels that do not resemble the interior of a huge squid?
SEAN HARRIS: Look, what I brought with me.
Unleashes the first object in the film, which shows that it takes place in 2090.
RAFE SPALL: Levitating ball-scanners! That's fantastic! ! Now, let's together behave inappropriately, act like a dumbbell and do stupid things!
SEAN HARRIS: Let’s split!
MICHAEL FASSBENDER: I propose to remove helmets!
The crew is split and removes the helmets. Also they found a room where the movie poster was shot and a bunch, just tons of black yogurt.
SEAN HARRIS: I'm a geologist. There is up the wazoo of the rocks and minerals, but it’s somehow cool and dark, so I might pass. May I go back to the ship?
RAFE SPALL: I’m a biologist. There is up the wazoo of dead aliens and samples, that will make me a billionaire and scientific genius, but I might pass. May I go back to the ship with SEAN?
THERON: I'm telling you, the crew shouldn’t be hired over Craigslist.
IDRIS ELBA: I'm glad I'm the only black man on the ship, sitting on the bridge and not at risk.
THERON: Let's screw.
IDRIS ELBA: Sure.
Plot Storm is approaching.
All except RAFE SPALL and SEAN HARRIS returned to the ship.
SEAN HARRIS: We have lost our way and, given that I am master of navigating the caves and had a complete map of this place on hands ten minutes ago, it makes me worthy of a stupid death.
RAFE SPALL: Look, SEAN, it’s alien dick-snakes! lovey-dovey! These are cute, not like that pile of dead aliens, that we saw a moment ago. Pet a dick-snake. Pet a dick-snake, bitch!
(They die in agony, attacked by the dick-snakes)
SEAN HARRIS: Suitable.
After some time.
RAPAS: Hey, LOGAN, now a hundred minutes of film have passed, it's time to share my character’s shattering drama of her existence and forget about it forever.
LOGAN: Let’s screw?
RAPAS: Sure.
After some time.
FASSBENDER: NOOMI, I have infected your boyfriend with black alien yogurt, because fuck you. Attagirl, you screwed with him half an hour ago and it seems that now you’re on the third month of pregnancy. Come on, let’s gently lay you here and wait until the very strange thing, behavior and purpose which we can not even imagine, hatches.
RAPAS: OK.
FASSBENDER: Excellent.
RAPAS: Actually, no.
FASSBENDER: Excellent.
(Spikes her up with tranquilizer)
RAPAS: I'll pretended to be asleep, despite the fact that I received a dose of soporific, then I’ll beat the shit out of THERON and FASSBENDER with a tray, and run away
FASSBENDER: Loath to catch her, there are better things to do.
THERON: Yes, agree, let’s come to see the Most Useless Character in the History of Sci-Fi of 10s.
FASSBENDER: Yeah, let’s visit the GUY PEARCE IN TERRIBLE MAKEUP.
RAPAS: (to the audience) Well, hold on, bitches, it’s time for some cool shit. MEDICAL MACHINE, turn on the caesarean section mode.
MEDICAL MACHINE: Stuff it NOOMI, I can only treat men. I — the top of the evolution of chauvinism, I can enlarge penis, restore potency and do a hair transplant. In short — only men stuff.
RAPAS: OK. Then just cut the alien shit out of my belly.
MEDICAL MACHINE: Oh, it's easy.
MEDICAL MACHINE cuts NOOMI. Audience shocked. MACHINE gets a TENTACLE out of NOOMI.
RAPAS: Fuck, was I sleeping with Davy Jones?
MEDICAL MACHINE: Don’t you mind if I just staple up your belly?
RAPAS: OK.
RAPAS runs away and finds a GUY PEARCE IN TERRIBLE MAKEUP.
GUY PEARCE: The platitude the platitude the platitude. The platitude?
RAPAS: Well, guys, I just gave birth to some kind of aggressive alien octopus, we ought to do something about it.
THERON: We don’t give a shit. Let’s better forget about it until the end of the movie. Now the main quest line for the GUY PEARCE IN TERRIBLE MAKEUP — to speak with the Creator.
RAPAS: OK.
GUY PEARCE: The platitude!
After some time.
FASSBENDER: Hooray, we are in the cockpit of an alien spaceship. Look at me, I’m going to play the notes of the "Hunger Games" on an alien flute, because hyper-advanced civilizations considered ignition keys retarded.
(Plays)
RAPAS: Look, MYSTERIOUS ALIEN!
MYSTERIOUS ALIEN (in a alien language): Who are you all? What do you want? Who are you? Beat it!
FASSBENDER: Be easy, I think I know their language. (In a alien language) Sour cream showcase ankle, dolphin stir forks, candle immunomodulator. Calls, twists and turns?
MYSTERIOUS ALIEN kills GUY PEARCE IN TERRIBLE MAKEUP with MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S severed head.
GUY PEARCE: The Platitude...
FASSBENDER: OK.
MYSTERIOUS ALIEN opens out the chair JUST LIKE THAT ONE IN THE "ALIEN"! The dome is appears to be a GIANT GALACTIC CROISSANT! ONE AND A HALF GEEKS IN THE HALL are so happy, that they are wetting their panties, crying, calling their parents. Sane viewers don’t understand anything.
IDRIS ELBA: So, I have shooting of the Pacific Rim, the second "Thor" and the third season of "Luther" in an hour.
(Commits a heroic suicide)
THERON: Phew, looks like we lost all heroes, check out this girl-empowering message we obtained. Gaydroid and two women left.
(she is smashed by the falling GIANT GALACTIC CROISSANT)
MYSTERIOUS ALIEN fights with NOOMI. NOOMI feeds it to the MEGASQUID, all of whom have forgotten.
MEGASQUID: Let’s screw?
MYSTERIOUS ALIEN: Sure.
A chinese copy of the Alien is shown in the last five seconds of movie. ONE AND A HALF GEEKS IN THE HALL are wiping their tears and tweeting.
UPD: In less than a day more thanfive hundred (thousand, vk.com an others caught up ) people read the post. Given that this is not a video of cute kittens and you even have to read, I believe that the post, as it called, went viral. Many thanks to all who shared the link, you are great guys, I love you all and all the jazz.
Especially for you I found a photo of Ridley Scott, who just read this short script.
UPD2: Hooray, first pictures!
by author.
by deadpoolic.
by zlobuster.
UPD3 - by the most conservative estimates this post was visited by 2,000 people already. Many thanks to everyone who shared the link. Tweeples, promote #звонкиперипетии (#callstwistandturns) !
If you have anything to add, drop me a line at twitter or vk.com pls.
This is a translation, all thanks go to the original author.
Probably, an Earth, a helluva time ago.
MYSTERIOUS ALIEN goes for a walk and finds out that Riddley Scott is going to film prequel of "Alien"
MYSTERIOUS ALIEN: Lost my bet.
(eats black yogurt and jumps to the waterfall)
Scotland, present time.
NOOMI RAPACE pokes into rocks, finds some bullshit and runs to LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN.
NOOMI: This is the greatest discovery in history! Look! These inscriptions hundred million years!
LOGAN: It says "Elvis ain't dead"...
NOOMI: This will change everything we know of the Universe!
LOGAN: ...and there is "Rap is crap" also.
NOOMI: Message from the alien civilizations! This is an invitation! Let's immediately fly there!
LOGAN: OK.
After more than two years. The "Prometheus" ship.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER walks around the ship, invents the solo cycle-ball, learns the theory of proto-language of Schleicher and watches "Lawrence of Arabia." Because there is no better way to kill the damn time, rather than revise the "Lawrence of Arabia." Oh, and you can pry into other people's dreams.
FASSBENDER: Well, CHARLIZE THERON in her dream sends Thor to kill Bella Swan, and a NOOMI RAPACE dreams about some boring crap about faith and the problems with her father.
(watches NOOMI's dream with a BLURRED PATRICK WILSON)
AUDIENCE: OK.
A short time later. The "Prometheus" ship
MICHAEL FASSBENDER sees CHARLIZE THERON doing push-ups.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER: Oookay.
The crew wakes up and the AUDIENCE sees recreated scene of the revival from the first "Alien". ONE AND HALF GEEKS IN THE HALL are happy, but notice that in the "Alien" almost the entire crew was smoking like a chimney, but this time it's only IDRIS ELBA. The rest of the crew are drinking some muddy grass vegan cocktails.
THERON: I'm in charge here, by the way.
LOGAN: Why?
THERON: Well, let's see, the audience is seeing you for the first time, and some confuse you with TOM HARDY, NOOMI only played in a Swedish crime movie with a long title and the second "Sherlock Holmes." I'm the only one with "Oscar" here. Go to hell.
LOGAN: OK.
THERON: It's time for the briefing, as we loaded 17 people aboard, and none of them were told why and where we're going.
SEAN HARRIS: I was just kidnapped on my way to Subway for sandwich.
RAFE SPALL: The last thing I remember — I was flying on a flight from Sydney to Los Angeles in first class with Leonardo DiCaprio.
THERON: I have a message for you from the GUY PEARCE IN TERRIBLE MAKEUP.
GUY PEARCE IN TERRIBLE MAKEUP: The platitude! The platitude the platitude! The platitude, the platitude the platitude. The platitude!
LOGAN: Excellent speech. And now let’s get to the point — ten different cultures drawn on different inscriptions figures 4 8 15 16 23 42, so we Googled them and now we are flying over the coordinates that we were given.
SEAN HARRIS: I have a bad feeling.
THERON: By the way, here's what I would like to add. If we find alien life form — do not attempt to make a contact. If we find any artifacts — do not attempt to touch them. If stranger approaches you and offers you a candy — do not talk to him. Do not run with scissors, do not put your fingers in the socket and do not eat ice cream on the street. In fact, it makes sense to turn the ship around and fly back.
A short time later. The "Prometheus" ship
IDRIS ELBA: We're landing, I need data!
KATE DICKIE: The planet is almost entirely composed of plotadvancementium, with rare occurrences of mcguffinium.
IDRIS ELBA: Where do we land?
LOGAN: Of course, right in the Valley of Holy Three-D. The audience must know why they paid half as much for the ticket.
The ship lands.
LOGAN: And now briskly get into the space suits and start acting like a dumbbell! The hell with the analysis, preparing and planning! Let’s race one another to the those suspicious domes!
Everybody gets into the vehicles. ONE AND A HALF GEEKS IN THE HALL notice that vehicles resemble those in the "Alien" and rejoice.
LOGAN: How do we navigate these hospitable tunnels that do not resemble the interior of a huge squid?
SEAN HARRIS: Look, what I brought with me.
Unleashes the first object in the film, which shows that it takes place in 2090.
RAFE SPALL: Levitating ball-scanners! That's fantastic! ! Now, let's together behave inappropriately, act like a dumbbell and do stupid things!
SEAN HARRIS: Let’s split!
MICHAEL FASSBENDER: I propose to remove helmets!
The crew is split and removes the helmets. Also they found a room where the movie poster was shot and a bunch, just tons of black yogurt.
SEAN HARRIS: I'm a geologist. There is up the wazoo of the rocks and minerals, but it’s somehow cool and dark, so I might pass. May I go back to the ship?
RAFE SPALL: I’m a biologist. There is up the wazoo of dead aliens and samples, that will make me a billionaire and scientific genius, but I might pass. May I go back to the ship with SEAN?
THERON: I'm telling you, the crew shouldn’t be hired over Craigslist.
IDRIS ELBA: I'm glad I'm the only black man on the ship, sitting on the bridge and not at risk.
THERON: Let's screw.
IDRIS ELBA: Sure.
Plot Storm is approaching.
All except RAFE SPALL and SEAN HARRIS returned to the ship.
SEAN HARRIS: We have lost our way and, given that I am master of navigating the caves and had a complete map of this place on hands ten minutes ago, it makes me worthy of a stupid death.
RAFE SPALL: Look, SEAN, it’s alien dick-snakes! lovey-dovey! These are cute, not like that pile of dead aliens, that we saw a moment ago. Pet a dick-snake. Pet a dick-snake, bitch!
(They die in agony, attacked by the dick-snakes)
SEAN HARRIS: Suitable.
After some time.
RAPAS: Hey, LOGAN, now a hundred minutes of film have passed, it's time to share my character’s shattering drama of her existence and forget about it forever.
LOGAN: Let’s screw?
RAPAS: Sure.
After some time.
FASSBENDER: NOOMI, I have infected your boyfriend with black alien yogurt, because fuck you. Attagirl, you screwed with him half an hour ago and it seems that now you’re on the third month of pregnancy. Come on, let’s gently lay you here and wait until the very strange thing, behavior and purpose which we can not even imagine, hatches.
RAPAS: OK.
FASSBENDER: Excellent.
RAPAS: Actually, no.
FASSBENDER: Excellent.
(Spikes her up with tranquilizer)
RAPAS: I'll pretended to be asleep, despite the fact that I received a dose of soporific, then I’ll beat the shit out of THERON and FASSBENDER with a tray, and run away
FASSBENDER: Loath to catch her, there are better things to do.
THERON: Yes, agree, let’s come to see the Most Useless Character in the History of Sci-Fi of 10s.
FASSBENDER: Yeah, let’s visit the GUY PEARCE IN TERRIBLE MAKEUP.
RAPAS: (to the audience) Well, hold on, bitches, it’s time for some cool shit. MEDICAL MACHINE, turn on the caesarean section mode.
MEDICAL MACHINE: Stuff it NOOMI, I can only treat men. I — the top of the evolution of chauvinism, I can enlarge penis, restore potency and do a hair transplant. In short — only men stuff.
RAPAS: OK. Then just cut the alien shit out of my belly.
MEDICAL MACHINE: Oh, it's easy.
MEDICAL MACHINE cuts NOOMI. Audience shocked. MACHINE gets a TENTACLE out of NOOMI.
RAPAS: Fuck, was I sleeping with Davy Jones?
MEDICAL MACHINE: Don’t you mind if I just staple up your belly?
RAPAS: OK.
RAPAS runs away and finds a GUY PEARCE IN TERRIBLE MAKEUP.
GUY PEARCE: The platitude the platitude the platitude. The platitude?
RAPAS: Well, guys, I just gave birth to some kind of aggressive alien octopus, we ought to do something about it.
THERON: We don’t give a shit. Let’s better forget about it until the end of the movie. Now the main quest line for the GUY PEARCE IN TERRIBLE MAKEUP — to speak with the Creator.
RAPAS: OK.
GUY PEARCE: The platitude!
After some time.
FASSBENDER: Hooray, we are in the cockpit of an alien spaceship. Look at me, I’m going to play the notes of the "Hunger Games" on an alien flute, because hyper-advanced civilizations considered ignition keys retarded.
(Plays)
RAPAS: Look, MYSTERIOUS ALIEN!
MYSTERIOUS ALIEN (in a alien language): Who are you all? What do you want? Who are you? Beat it!
FASSBENDER: Be easy, I think I know their language. (In a alien language) Sour cream showcase ankle, dolphin stir forks, candle immunomodulator. Calls, twists and turns?
MYSTERIOUS ALIEN kills GUY PEARCE IN TERRIBLE MAKEUP with MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S severed head.
GUY PEARCE: The Platitude...
FASSBENDER: OK.
MYSTERIOUS ALIEN opens out the chair JUST LIKE THAT ONE IN THE "ALIEN"! The dome is appears to be a GIANT GALACTIC CROISSANT! ONE AND A HALF GEEKS IN THE HALL are so happy, that they are wetting their panties, crying, calling their parents. Sane viewers don’t understand anything.
IDRIS ELBA: So, I have shooting of the Pacific Rim, the second "Thor" and the third season of "Luther" in an hour.
(Commits a heroic suicide)
THERON: Phew, looks like we lost all heroes, check out this girl-empowering message we obtained. Gaydroid and two women left.
(she is smashed by the falling GIANT GALACTIC CROISSANT)
MYSTERIOUS ALIEN fights with NOOMI. NOOMI feeds it to the MEGASQUID, all of whom have forgotten.
MEGASQUID: Let’s screw?
MYSTERIOUS ALIEN: Sure.
A chinese copy of the Alien is shown in the last five seconds of movie. ONE AND A HALF GEEKS IN THE HALL are wiping their tears and tweeting.
- Thanks to 3droid.com staff and Kinopoisk.ru editor Tatyana Shorohova.
UPD: In less than a day more than
Especially for you I found a photo of Ridley Scott, who just read this short script.
UPD2: Hooray, first pictures!
by author.
by deadpoolic.
by zlobuster.
UPD3 - by the most conservative estimates this post was visited by 2,000 people already. Many thanks to everyone who shared the link. Tweeples, promote #звонкиперипетии (#callstwistandturns) !
If you have anything to add, drop me a line at twitter or vk.com pls.
